Passion 2012 : ‘It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.’
-Galatians 5:1-

Tomorrow, I will take part in the Merrell “Down & Dirty” Mud Run. After posting in January about my tattoo and the importance of abiding in Christ, I’ve learned what it means to “run the race with obedience,” and will bring my journey to a head in the mud tomorrow morning.

As I’ve been training for this race, I’ve found that it’s more meaningful to dedicate it to someone than be in it simply for myself. As the miles have passed under my feet, I’ve found I gain energy every time I think of or pray for someone close to me, or even for a group of people in need of redemption or awakening (I’ve been especially concerned for America as a whole the past couple of weeks. As one of my classmates at Medill said, ‘Looks like we’re going to hell in a handbasket – let’s move to Canada!’) Which, I think, may not be too bad of an idea at this point in time.

Though fleeing to Canada may be an enticing thought, there are plenty of individuals outside America in need of prayer too, and so, my prayers have been applicable across borders: for anyone and everyone who has ever felt restricted, restrained or oppressed by fear, anxiety, insecurity or pain. The anxieties and fears some of my friends have expressed to me recently have shaken my world, and their confessions make me ever more confident in the freedom that’s offered in Christ –an incomparable and insatiable desire that motivates, enables and propagates freedom, peace and love for all who are thirsty.

I wouldn’t be so adamant about the freedom that’s offered in Christ if I hadn’t experienced it personally, myself, each and every day. Coincidences are more than by chance, and since inking myself with the theme of John 15 in January (and even before that), I’ve begun to see God speak to me through Bible verses, songs, people, news articles, job offers, and more. Some people tell me, “AJ, that’s just a coincidence,” or have said, “Yeah, so what?” but for me, these “daily miracles” mean everything. Like my Ancient Near Eastern religion professor told us during my junior year at Wheaton, “God used to permeate every aspect of creation. In the Old Testament, people believed God was in a tree, or God was in the wind, or God was in the temple, physically and manifestly.” Turns out, it wasn’t until recently, our skeptical and post-modern world that people took God out of creation and started to wonder and ask where the heck he went. For me, I like the omniscient, Old Testament version of Yahweh better than the modern Stephen Hawking-esque, “God is not here” perception. It makes people think they have to strive, or try to reach God, when, in essence, He’s been here with us on earth all along.

Hebrews 12 is a verse that has spoken to me with intensity over the past couple of years, and is my inspiration going into the race tomorrow. At the Passion conference in January 2011, my college Bible study group leader held me as I sobbed in fear and anxiety after a John Piper sermon (he has the tendency to drop truth bombs that scare the crap out of congregations. Or is it just me?) Little did I know then, it was his words that cut the cords of dependency on my old life and ways apart from God.

In any case, I was comforted by my leader’s words: “My prayer for you is that you will learn to love God as your father, and you’ll learn to trust Him and let Him hold you. I want you to picture yourself running to his arms -just like we sang tonight. Run into His arms.”

She was referencing “Forever Reign,” the worship song Kristian Stanfill played to close out that night’s session of Passion. The song’s chorus shook me to the core:

“I’m running to your arms

I’m running to your arms

The riches of your love will always be enough

Nothing compares to your embrace

Light of the world, forever reign”

And now, a year and a half later, there’s no place else I’d rather be than leaning on the everlasting arms. Back then, God’s embrace was foreign to me, though, as I had substituted His love with darkness, lies and a dependency on worldly desires that threatened to take my life, and the lives of those around me. That night, I realized I was living a lie, and my brokenness at Passion was the beginning of my journey home to the Father.

As I began to take baby steps of obedience to God’s call last January, I experienced refreshment, renewal and rejuvenation in various forms, though it wasn’t always easy. Through counseling a team of high schoolers at HoneyRock, participating in the “Solid Rock Club,” wandering the violence-ridden streets of Chicago with an audio recorder, notepad and pen, producing blog posts and freelance articles about topics ranging from community outreach projects to hip-hop and broken homes, taking Bible & Theology courses at Wheaton, experiencing days and nights in my tiny studio apartment, taking runs to the lake, going to church services and concerts and developing and maintaining life-giving friendships, I have learned more about life and love and responsibility than I ever thought possible. Where I once was self-absorbed, only worrying about myself and my selfish needs and desires, I now see every day as a miracle, and look for opportunities to better love those around me with the love that God has given me to dispense freely.

Though I’m an eternal optimist, I have come to realize life isn’t easy and doesn’t come without opposition, anger, challenge, trials and tribulations. Each time I’ve encountered these things, I’ve been reminded that we are all fallen and have lost sight of what it means to love as Christ did. Each negative encounter makes me all the more confident that God is good and has overcome all of it – making me more dependent on the hope that is in Jesus, and all the more adamant about letting Christ live through me, cuz the world needs it. I know the war is won, and He is protecting us from harm and making everything new in the process – all I want is for everyone to jump on the bandwagon and come along for the ride.

Therefore, as I prepare to pin on my official race tags and hit the 3.6 mile course tomorrow morning, I will be thinking of nothing else but the people who need Jesus in a way they may not even realize. I will be praying for those who maybe want to start the epic adventure and journey of walking with Christ, but aren’t quite sure how to start; for those who are stuck in the mud pit and are afraid of stepping out in faith and obedience; and for those who feel held back by fear, anxiety or insecurities, afraid to express who they really are or think they are “too far down the rabbit hole” to be saved. We all have a story, and mine has been at times challenging and riddled with dirt, grime and mud, but the truth is, the amazing second chance God has given me is incredible and every day is a miracle. The cleansing water I will hose myself down with after the race is a metaphor for the loving grace God dispenses on us if we’re willing to receive it, and is a powerful reminder of God’s encouraging presence and insistence there is something greater waiting at the end of the course for all of us.

The mud run tomorrow is a culmination of my convictions established over the past year and a half of my life: that, though there are times when the going gets tough, there is something far better waiting, and every time I feel like I’m stuck in the mud, someone else feels the same way too, and God is waiting for us to admit our weakness and surrender to Him so He can pull us out of our crap and lift us to something better. God is SO good. And, as Florence of Florence + the Machine states, “it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back” – so, I’ll let her sing it but I’m gonna preach it : it’s time to SHAKE IT OUT!!!

For me, that means running a mud race to put my past demons behind me and confirm my faith that a walk with Christ isn’t always easy but is always best…I wonder what it means for you. I hope it means you’re ready to “shake the devil” from your back – get it, people. Go run the race of with obedience – you won’t be disappointed with the freedom that’s offered in Christ.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” -Hebrews 12-

So, I went to get my first tattoo – sporting the word “abide” – in January of this year, and it’s been a year and a half coming.

Backstory: coming into my senior year of college, I was moving into a house with six of my closest girlfriends, but was wrapped up in bad decisions and “covenant-breaking” choices I had been making for the majority of my Wheaton College career. I knew something had to give – there was no way I could hide my behavior from five roommates. Not sure what to do with myself, I became wrecked with a bad case of nerves, experienced a couple of panic attacks that had been plaguing me during the night for several months, then decided I was being absurd and sat down a couple of days after we’d moved into the house and opened up my Bible to read for a little while. Inspired by the girls I lived in the house with, I desired to try and be as dedicated to my faith as they were – maybe mimicking them would be the answer to my problems.

<3 Me with the ladies of the Fellowship House at Wheaton College, 2010 - 2011 <3

So I played a round of Bible roulette and ended up opening to John 15, the chapter about the vine and the branches:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”

And then, right after reading the passage, I made a run to the grocery store and on the way home, a song was playing on K-LOVE radio talking about being “nothing without you [Jesus]”. I couldn’t figure out what song it was, but I memorized the lyrics and looked it up right when I got home because it fit perfectly with the passage of the Bible I had just read (“Nothing Without You” by Bebo Norman).

That night, I began freaking out again. Here’s my journal entry from August 23, 2010:

“I’m anxious. Nervous. Life is pointless. It goes on eternally, so what’s the point?”

Then, the next night, I went to the first all school communion of the year, the night before the first day of my senior year classes. As our school chaplain, “Chappy K,” began the community prayer, everyone bowed their heads, but I was bouncing my leg, eyes open, scanning over the crowd of thousands of peaceful students around me, wondering if I was the only one not wanting to participate in this ritual. I was tormented by anxiety and thoughts racing through my head from the night before…anxiety, prayer, eternity, blah, blah…then, “AJ.”

I whipped my head to the left, because that’s where the deep and resonating voice had come from, but I saw no one looking or beckoning for me, just a bunch of heads bowed. Had someone sneezed? Did someone clear their throat? Had Chappy K’s microphone popped during his monotonish presentation of prayer? Was this a practical joke someone was pulling on me? Not really funny considering our environment of all school worship, but hey…so I jabbed my sister Steph who was sitting next to me. “Steph!” I whispered urgently. “What?!” She hissed as she jerked her head up, obviously perturbed that I was interrupting her prayer time.

“Did you just say my name??” I asked.

“No,” she barked quietly as she looked at me like I was missing a couple hundred brain cells. “We’re PRAY-ING!”

“But I heard someone say my name…did you hear it??”

More angry glare.

“Be quiet!”

And she put her head back down as I sat there, eyes wide, wondering if I was the only one in the world who had heard what I just heard. Chappy K and the students around me prayed on as my knees stopped bouncing and my ears rang from the voice I thought I’d heard just a moment before. There is no way I’d imagined that, I thought to myself…and I strained my ears, slowly looking around the chapel, straining my ears to hear the sound again – maybe it had been someone sniffling with a cold, maybe the microphone had popped or something because of an issue with volume levels…nothing. Breathing was quiet around me, nobody sneezed, the microphone levels were even. As I locked eyes with a random dude about four rows back, I shook my head and realized I was probably crazy, then turned around and stared ahead in silence.

As the prayer ended, Chappy K said, “So, the orientation theme verse for this year is John 15: learning what it means to ‘abide’ in Christ, both individually and as a community.” And I almost fell out of my chapel seat.

The theme of Orientation my senior year - "Abide" - on display in the chapel during an all-school gathering, August 2010

As I left all school communion that night and headed into my senior year, I knew I couldn’t hide from God anymore (I mean, I thought He had maybe called me out at all school that night…for real) and began to pray that he would show me what it meant to abide in Him. An excerpt from my journal that night:

“Wtf, I just wrote two days ago about how I need to focus more at keeping God at the center of my life, emphasizing John 15…’I am the vine, you are the branches, abide in me…’ and THAT’S THE ORIENTATION VERSE AT WHEATON THIS YEAR!!! Seriously, I am in shock. Of all the verses in the Bible, this is the one that I chose to look up a couple of days ago, and the one they emphasized for orientation this year…and then Chappy K started talking about living as a community of believers branching from a Christ center, for eternity. Which is what I’ve been obsessing and worrying about so much lately…but I’m starting to realize that there’s no reason to be afraid.”

It was a semester-long roller-coaster ride of conviction, tears, trippy dreams and sleepless nights, but as I headed to Passion 2011 in January, I realized what was missing in my life (passion for Jesus, granted by the holy spirit) and heard the “abide” verse emphasized at the conference in a new way. When John Piper spoke, I found that the fear and anxieties I was still experiencing stemmed from my attempts to make much of myself. The conviction came when Piper stated during his sermon at Passion 2011: “Is our goal in life to make much of ourselves, or to submit to Christ in hopes we will make much of His glorious name?”

<3 At Passion 2011, with inspirational and fearless leader Dee <3

Then I got to HoneyRock in May 2011. Per encouragement from some of my best friends at Wheaton and support of family, friends and mentors, I decided to counsel a team of high school juniors on “Service Team” for 10 weeks. I had never slept in a tent, but was about to go spend three months in the middle of northern Wisconsin with a bunch of high schoolers. So, here goes nothing!, I thought to myself. When I got there, I found that John 15 was the theme verse for camp that summer. I almost fell off of my log at the devotional circle when I found that out – holy CRAP, I thought to myself, God must be trying to tell me something!

With the Althoff family during a mid-summer visit to see me in my natural habitat!

Toward the end of the summer, a pastor began preaching on John 15, the chapter about abiding in the vine. I was like, “okay, I’ve heard this before,” but it turns out I hadn’t done a very good job of living the verse out. He challenged us to think about what exactly “abiding” looked like in our lives: were we running around trying to accomplish a billion different things and hoping God blessed it, or were we going to the vine of Christ first and asking Him to show us what exactly He desired us to go out and do?

After a minute or two of self-examination, I found out I still best identified with the person who was doing a billion different things in a billion different places, like a crazy ball of energy that knew no bounds. In my chaotic state of life at camp, my heart was not centered – I was searching for answers and meaning in every single one of my activities, relationships, responsibilities and tasks: an insatiable pursuit of pleasure and pride filled with anxiety and stress. When I began to ask myself instead what it would look like for me to go to Christ first, I lost control of what I thought was my life and felt like I was going to fail at everything. As I began to “let go and let God,” my life began to change – and not for the better.

As I left the wilderness of Wisconsin and headed to graduate school at Northwestern, stuff got real. My grandpa broke his back and ended up in the hospital, my dad lost his job, friends I had kept in touch with throughout the summer started drifting away, and I became all to familiar with the standard of the “Medill ‘F’”, of which I got six during my first four weeks of class.

If this was what walking by faith and not by sight and “abiding” in Christ’s vine looked like, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a part of it anymore.

“Allison, you know you’re at the bottom of the class,” my professors told me at my mid-term conferences. Geez, life just keeps getting better…I thought to myself. But I wasn’t surprised at my trial. I mean, seriously, look at the Bible history: Abraham, Moses and Job lost everything too, and were called losers by their counterparts, so I was in good company as long as I kept on trusting God, right..?

Since I had absolutely nothing to lose, I decided to turn the question around on them with optimism – “Well, the “Medill ‘F’” standard is over now, right? So, it’s like I’m starting a new part of the semester now?” And they looked at me like I was some sort of alien. “So, I’m excited for the back half. Just tell me what I need to do to turn it around – if I can just leave this behind me, it’s all good – I’m ready to move on.” And they released me from the conference, probably wondering how I could be smiling after hearing that I was the lowest performing student in their section. I left knowing I had work to do, and got to it. If Job, Moses and Abraham ended their lives happy, that must mean God had a happy ending in mind for me, right?

So I turned trial into opportunity and actually ended up finishing the semester two weeks early, completing all of my assignments in record time.

“That was one of the most remarkable turnarounds we’ve ever seen in Methods,” my professor told me at end-of-quarter conferences. “If you only knew…” I thought to myself as I beamed ear to ear. And I wrapped up the semester trusting God more than ever.

A portion of my first quarter "Methods" class at Medill at the end of the quarter, posing with both of my professors

Then, last month, I decided it was time to take this “abide” concept to the next level. Since committing to Jesus wholeheartedly at Passion 2011, I had lost my grandpa, seen my dad go in and out of work, failed assignments, cussed, hurt people, made mistakes and been selfish – sometimes all in the same day. As sad as all of these things are, it also made it all the more rewarding to know that, especially in the midst of hardship, Christ and His love is, and always will stay, the same.

I knew now that God was my ultimate provider, especially in the midst of hardship, and this was not something I wanted to forget about. As I prepared for the procedure, I encountered some adversity: my aunt called and nearly de-railed the train I was on with her beratement of the art of tattooing, and my mother and father told me, “You know, honey, these things are permanent,” to which I replied confidently, “But, so is my commitment to Jesus!!!”

Allie Sider inking "abide" into my foot...permanently!

As the needle pierced my skin, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few second thoughts. The pain felt like (#spoileralert) what Bella must have felt like undergoing her transformation to the life of a vampire – my whole leg burned with every prick of the needle. But this made my commitment all the more powerful – not to say that I have any idea the magnitude of pain Jesus endured on the cross, but I will say that I admire and love Him all the more for his bodily sacrifice after undergoing this small and comparably insignificant, yet extremely painful 45-minute procedure.

Everything fell into place perfectly for it to be done – my roommate from college recommended an extremely talented artist, Allie Sider; one of my best friends accompanied me to the parlor and coached me through the process, and my classmate was able to turn the experience into a class assignment, as did I (video linked above!). It was a beautiful moment. Not only that, but I was able to talk about the Bible verse I was basing my “abide” tattoo on to everyone who asked, including my tattoo artist, who was an atheist who claimed to be “pretty good at tattooing Christians” after inking me and my college roommate. I think he liked mine when he was done.

Me and my college roommate ran into each other at the parlor, after she recommended it to me!

Me and one of my best tattoo-veteran friends, Hannah, who coached me through the procedure

Recording the experience for a class assignment! #dedicatedmedillstudents

Since getting “ink’d,” my commitment to abiding in Christ has been both inwardly and outwardly proclaimed. It has been somewhat offsetting to realize this commitment doesn’t mean struggles, temptations and hardships will disappear, although I admit I wasn’t expecting perfection and daisies and roses all day every day.

I’ve found that life is sometimes harder than it was when I wasn’t serious about following Jesus. I firmly believe that the people I’ve met, situations I’ve encountered and experiences I’ve endured have helped me heal and lifted me up when I was too weak or stupid to help myself, and as I have battled the vices in my life and encountered evil in the world, God has strengthened me – and I know he promises to never tempt me beyond what I can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Every time I look down at my foot, I think to myself: am I running around trying to accomplish a billion different things and hoping God blesses it, or am I seriously abiding in Christ’s vine, seeking to make much of Him in every activity and every opportunity I have in life?

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." - John 15:4 - HoneyRock 2011 theme verse, Wheaton College orientation verse 2010-2011

Because when I look to Christ first, I find that I’m more joyful and less stressed – the storms of my life all but cease, and I haven’t had a panic attack in 16 months, without the help of pills or drugs. It’s like weightlifting – it becomes easier and easier to look to God as my refuge and strength as I consciously choose to offer things up to Him instead of worrying about them. With each repetition, I have a choice: am I going to freak out, or trust God will make things right?

Graduate school is not for sissies (for any doubters out there, check out grad school Barbie), and I have been able to trust Jesus in a lot of situations where I could have easily laid down and quit. Even though I’m not supposed to “put God to the test,” I’ve found that Jesus swoops down and takes action almost instantaneously whenever I ask him to intervene in my life or circumstances. Seriously – sometimes, it’s been a 10-second turnaround. After uttering a prayer as simple as, “Jesus, can you, like, help me out here somehow? I have no idea what I’m doing, so can you just make this easy for me?” people have literally popped up in my face in the form of a person at a subway stop, a new friend at a bar on State Street, and/or a Bible verse or song that comes on the radio instantly speaking to my current situation.

God is mighty to save, and that means Jesus came to save grad students, garbage men, hotel maids, CEOs, lawyers, fashionistas, refugees, Bill Gates, etc. Everyone’s story is different, and that’s what’s awesome about the Christian walk.

What we all share, though, believers and non-believers alike, is the struggle for meaning in the midst of mortality. As much as we would like to believe our lives matter, and we matter, and our existences matter, we really don’t – “everything is meaningless,” as the teacher writes in the book of Ecclesiastes. The good news is, this was the Old Testament – Jesus Christ came to fulfill all prophecies, and this means that He has plans for us if we choose to submit and surrender ourselves to Him, because He and only He has made sense of the universe. As is stated in this “Christianity Today” article, “Jesus doesn’t want to be in your life. Your life’s a wreck. Jesus calls you into his life. And his life isn’t boring or purposeless or static. It’s wild and exhilarating and unpredictable.” (http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2012/february/jesus-afterlife.html).

The adventure of life in Christ is a wild one – for me, it’s involved teenagers, Twitter and tattoos, but it’s different for everyone. All I know is, as I’ve cried out to Jesus in a variety of situations, every single time He has reached down and rescued me, and provided me with fellow warriors ready to take up their crosses and walk with me. When I wake up every day, I kind of feel like that girl from the Hunger Games, ready to take on the world with flaming bow and arrows (and my freshly printed tattoo). Sometimes I feel like life is awesome, and other times I just feel “meh,” but each and every day, I know that God is sooooo good, and His love never fails.

Me and my ladies, Halloween 2010, ready to take on the world!

This girl from the Hunger Games is legit ready to take on the enemy. As Louie Giglio said at Passion 2012, "From the bow of brokenness, God will launch arrows of healing." I believe it.

So, no matter what – when the oceans rage and mountains fall into the sea (or when deadlines loom, the economy fails, and I catch the flu), I will choose to abide in Christ, and I wake up every day, not able to possibly be happier about that decision.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

-Romans 8:28-

Passion 2012 - Georgia Dome

Ephesians 6:19:

“Pray that whenever I open my mouth words come to me to proclaim the word of Christ fearlessly and boldly as I should.”

The last message of Passion 2012, delivered by pastor and founder of the Passion Movement Louie Giglio, was much more of a challenge than anything else. Ephesians 6:19 was the text he used to drive his point home, and his sermon had three main points: first, don’t wait for the future to do something amazing – wake up and start living now; second, seek to find inspiration and joy in the everyday events of life instead of being discouraged by adversity, challenge, struggle, loss or even death – Louie used the example of his father dying seven years earlier to illustrate beauty that can come out of loss – and lastly, to live boldly and pray that every time you open your mouth you would proclaim the name of Christ fearlessly as Paul did, and as we now should.

So, I left the Georgia Dome and 45,000 of my new friends to take off on a plane back to Chicago, where the world and the second quarter of an intensive masters program at Northwestern University was waiting for me. After I said goodbye to my twin sister, I headed for my terminal at the Atlanta – Hartsfield Int’l Airport (incidentally, where Justin Bieber first met his manager Scooter Braun ), and as I walked I prayed: “God, would you please be with the people who will be sitting next to me on the plane today? I’d really like to be able to talk with them and build them up in Christ if you’ll give me the opportunity.” And I shot up a few more prayers as I sat at the gate and on my way down the jetway.

…Then, fate!!!!!!! I sat down in my seat and waited, and was eventually approached by two men, a dad and his grown son who must have been about 35. They stopped at my row and began to throw their cases into the overhead bins, and the dad said, somewhat tersely: “Where do you want me to throw your case, son?” and the son responded, with a bit of disdain and a sigh, “I don’t care, dad. Just throw it up there wherever it fits.” And the cases went into the bin, and I looked up at them with a smile and was met with nothing but blank stares. “This is us,” the dad said. “Oh!,” I responded. “Let me scoot into the window, you guys can have the aisle.”

And I scooted over as they began to argue about who was going to sit in the aisle seat. Uh oh, I thought to myself, are these guys really the answer to my prayers?? This should be fun…

As soon as they got all settled, the dad said, “Hey, son, I’ve got that book up there – want me to –“ and the son turned and snapped, “Dad, I refuse to talk to you about two things on this flight: religion and politics. I do not want to hear anything else about that Catholic book.” Another exasperated sigh, then, “How long is this flight, anyway?”

“You know, you could have flown out of a different airport,” the dad said.

“Don’t be ridiculous, dad. It’s just this flight, then what, an hour drive when we get to Chicago? I can probably make it.”

And I decided I’d had enough of their bickering and decided to interject.

“So, are you guys from Atlanta or Chicago?” I asked with a smile.

They both turned to me simultaneously and looked at me like I was an alien for a second or two. Then the son got his bearings and told me he was from Hilton Head Island and his dad was from Macon and they met in the middle in Atlanta to travel to Chicago together. I then tried to find some common ground and asked if the guy was a golfer.

“I play occasionally, but I also work a lot – I’m a carpenter,” he said.

“That’s awesome,” I said, then, in spite of myself, I exclaimed, “So was Jesus!”

At that, he laughed out loud and said, “Well, that’s quite the comparison…”

And the dad chuckled and looked over from his aisle seat rather smugly.

“That’s just what this guy needs! A little religion in his life.”

They then asked me where I went to school and what I had been in Atlanta for, and I was able to tell them I was at the Passion Conference at the Georgia Dome and was now on my way back to school at Northwestern University in Evanston. Much to my surprise, it turned out the dad had lived in Evanston for 20 years in his earlier life, on the SAME STREET THAT I LIVE ON NOW!!! So, after we had a few good laughs, we got to talk about the Evanston park district, good toboggan hills, ice skating ponds, and Chicago life in general. I also told them about my family in Minneapolis (they’d spent some time there), and my twin sister attending Pepperdine Law School in Malibu – it also turns out their family had lived in Ventura at one point and they were very familiar with Malibu Seafood, the Malibu Country Mart and Zuma Beach, all staples for most Pepperdine students – CRAZY coincidences!!! (or, a God-ordained plan for a two-hour plane ride?? ;P)

When we got around to talking about the Passion Conference I had been at in Atlanta, I was able to tell them how it changed my life. Not only was it was attended by 45,000 of my peers, I said, but we were able to raise $3 million to combat human trafficking worldwide. I told them how awesome it was to see my generation getting outside of themselves and living for Jesus. They were impressed, and asked what kind of church I went to. I told them I had been attending an ELCA church with my family for a while, but attended a non-denominational one now, and that my mom used to be Catholic, but she wasn’t anymore. The dad chuckled at that and said, “Sounds familiar – this guy used to be Catholic too,” gesturing at his son next to him. He went on to tell me about a book called “Rediscovering Catholicism” that he was reading about how important it is that the world begins to rediscover the heart of the Catholic church. Then, the son shifted awkwardly in his seat.

“This conversation is edging on religion, dad,” the son said matter-of-factly.

“All right,” the dad chuckled. “Let’s talk about something else, then! How about the weather? How about…”

“What are you guys going to Chicago for?” I asked.

There was an awkward pause, then the son turned to me and said they were traveling to a funeral.

“It’s hard, you know,” he said. “It just sucks to see a good guy like that die.”

“It was a really good family friend,” the dad said. “Helped us out a lot. Great guy, great family, great kids. That’s the inspiration, that he’s got some great kids behind him.”

“We actually lost my mom a couple of years ago,” the son said thoughtfully. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the dad’s eyes welling up.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “Is it just you then? Or do you have siblings?”

And we got to talking about their family and the dad’s children, then conversation gradually deteriorated and the men began to talk about the mechanics of the plane wing we were sitting next to and I checked out as I began to think about how crazy it was that a man from the street I live on in Evanston would sit next to me on the plane and be interested in hearing about the conference I had been to. Not only that, but religion was a major component of our conversation, and they were on their way to a funeral – WAIT!!! – they were on their way to a FUNERAL!!!, I thought to myself again and again. Funerals had been the main theme of the opening and closing messages at Passion this year, and I had just this morning heard a beautiful sermon from Louie Giglio about proclaiming the name of Christ fearlessly and finding hope and inspiration in loss, even in loss as monumental as death! So I prayed as we circled over Lake Michigan and began our descent that I would somehow muster up the courage to “preach” to these two men next to me who were somewhat tense, sorrowful and on their way to a funeral service of a dear friend.

And I thought for a little while, contributed some “Mm hmm” and “Okays” to their conversation about plane mechanics, then finally decided to dive in.

“So, it’s kind of crazy that you guys are on your way to a funeral…our message this morning was all about finding hope and inspiration in loss, even in death,” I said as they looked over at me intently. They were actually paying attention!

“The founder of this conference, Louie Giglio, is a pastor, and he lost his dad several years ago – his dad actually was the designer of the Chick-Fil-A logo. He had to leave Texas, where he had a hugely successful ministry, to come to Atlanta to help out his mom when his dad got sick, and when he died, was in Atlanta with no job, no ministry, no nothing.

It turns out that, had his dad not gotten sick, Louie probably would have never moved to Atlanta. Out of his dad’s death, he realized he wanted to start up another ministry, but wasn’t sure what kind – and he ended up starting these Passion Conferences. So, even though he lost his dad, he is now able to minister to hundreds of thousands of college students every year at these conferences. Because Christ died and was resurrected, we have this same hope – that we can find hope in loss and know that all things work together for those who love God.”

As I glanced up after my mini-sermon, tears were definitely falling from the dad’s eyes. “Oooh, crap,” I thought to myself, but kept going anyway because the coolest part hadn’t even happened yet.

“And then, when Louie when he walked out on the field of the 2012 Chick-Fil-A Bowl that was being hosted at the Georgia Dome where the Passion Conference would be held a week later, he stepped on the Chick-Fil-A logo at the 50-yard-line. As he stood on top of the logo his father had designed so many years ago, he realized that, in this same place one week later, there would be 45,000 college-aged students and volunteers uniting in the name of Jesus – brought together by a vision borne out of Louie’s loss of his father years earlier. So, somehow, Louie found himself caught between his dad’s legacy of the Chick-Fil-A logo and the dream borne out of his loss – the place where 45,000 believers would be attending the Passion Conference a week later.”

And I was finished with my sermon.

“That’s really cool,” the son said.

And the dad was still crying a little bit.

“You know, I actually had a twin sister…She died when I was 8,” the son said.

And I basically fell out of my seat. “You know I’m a twin,” I said. “I love my sister very much. I thank God every day for the blessing it is to have her.”

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s a cool thing.”

And as we prepared to leave the plane, the dad said how great it was to meet me, and said he would be looking for my name on the bylines.

“What’s your last name?”

“Althoff,” I told them. “Unless I get married sometime soon…it might change, haha!”

“What!,” the dad exclaimed. “Nobody out of Northwestern should change their name.”

We laughed, I told them I would be praying for them, wished them well, and we went on our ways.

Needless to say, I was extremely happy to know I’d gotten up the courage to bring up the gospel and good word of Christ’s resurrection – especially because, now, I’m finding myself taking my own advice in dealing with Grandpa Bob’s passing Friday evening.

God has showed me so much about trust over the past six months. Little things like a fulfilling plane ride last week are only small pieces of a larger whole that I’ve been incredibly blessed to experience. Not only do I believe in the power of prayer, but I’ve found faith and hope in the midst of loss. Also, I’ve been prepared and taught through conversations, first-hand experiences, devotions, sermons and Bible verses over the past six months how to treat death not as something to fear, but rather even more reason to put your faith in Christ’s resurrection. Grandpa Bob’s funeral will be this weekend in St. Louis, and I’m finding myself re-living my past over and over again, remembering all of the good times we were able to enjoy together and maintaining my trust in God Almighty – all I know is, Grandpa Bob would want me to keep smiling, so I do, and trust that, even in the midst of sorrow, all things work together for those who love God (Romans 8:28). If Grandpa’s life was so good while he was here, how much better must it be in heaven?

Grandpa Bob looking dapper at Christmas 2010. Love you, Grandpa Bob

SNL's Aunt Sue gets stuck in a vending machine in the most recent episode. Hilar.

Christmas break has been incredible. Spending time with family is always a win, and seeing Grandpa Bob recovering in the rehab facility was humbling and inspiring at the same time. Aside from spending invaluable time with family, material gifts took center stage this holiday season in the Althoff family – and instigated a whole conglomeration of emotions.

I gave Grandpa Bob a Northwestern University mug for Christmas - he loved it!

I received too many material gifts than would fit in the family vehicle this year (#blessed!!!), and had to send a shipment back to Chicago with one of my cousins. The day after Christmas, when my dad was headed out to deliver my crate of gifts to my cousin’s car, he stopped in my room to ask if I was sure I wanted to keep the Keurig coffee machine that I had received as a graduation gift from my aunt.

“Are you sure you want to keep that Keurig from Aunt Shawn?” dad asked.

“Well, yeah,” I replied hesitantly. “Why do you ask?”

“You know, you could ask her to give you some money instead if you didn’t want to keep it – you do already have a coffee machine at your apartment,” dad replied.

Immediately, my heart sank and I was slammed with a moral dilemma. Obviously, Keurig coffee makers are not cheap, and I would most likely receive a bundle of cashola for the trade-in, so I was conflicted – who in their right mind WOULDN’T want a bunch of money, especially when I already had a coffee machine at my apartment in Chicago?? But then, how much more convenient would it be to press one button and have a cup of coffee ready in five minutes on my way out the door in Kahlua, Caribou or Starbucks flavors? #firstworldpains #cognitivedissonance

Also, given the materialistic nature of American Christmas in the first place, I also had been looking for a charity to donate some money to this holiday season. We’re called to give back, are we not? So, this comment from my dad was a convicting slam on my conscience for this reason as well – instead of keeping a super cool coffee maker, I could get over $100 to contribute to a charity of my choice. As a graduate student with literally no money to my name (taking loans into consideration – I am currently owned by the government), I knew in my heart of Jesus-following hearts that I probably should have taken the money and given it away, but was captivated by the vision of a steaming cup of store-quality coffee in my hands on the way to the el stop in the frigid environment of Chi-town come mid-January. #ANGST!

So, ultimately, five seconds into the thought process that my brain went through above, I decided to tell my dad that yes, I would like to keep the Keurig coffee machine in hopes that would be okay with Jesus. But, as soon as my dad left, I began to sulk and wonder if I should chase him down to tell him I wanted to take the money instead…who was I to think good-tasting coffee is more important than the homeless on the streets of Chicago?

After walking around cranky for five or so minutes, I decided my bad mood was overrated and immediately decided to start my morning devos with prayers and petitions to God about my bad mood and anxiety. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote in my journal that morning:

“Dear Jesus, I’m concerned about money. Can you help me not be anxious about this? I’m afraid that I’m going to run out and not have enough to do everything that I want to do.”

So, I went on into my day and trusted that the Lord would ease my anxiety about keeping the Keurig and give me opportunities to be generous somehow. Needless to say, I went in to see my Grandpa at the rehab facility with my family later that morning and when my aunt came in to see all of us, the first thing she did was write us checks for Christmas. I was floored. Ummm, yeah, I though to myself, this is insane – she just gave me a Keurig and now she’s giving us money for the holidays?? This generosity is completely unnecessary, but how lucky was I to be receiving it?

Then, later that night, Steph and I went out to meet up with one of our friends from Wheaton. We had a ton of laughs and incredibly inspiring conversation at Bar Louie in St. Louis, and the night ended with us attempting to split up the bill. Steph and I obviously were responsible for 2/3 of it, but our friend threw a $20 at us (which accounted for over ¾ of the bill) and would not take it back.

“I work for a non-profit now, y’all – I’m RICH!!!” she joked as she threw the money on the table.

We protested and threw it back at her and didn’t want it, but she would have none of it. We attempted to pay the entire bill with a check card, but our friend would have none of it and grabbed my wallet and shoved the $20 in it.

“I will not take no for an answer – it’s always great to see you two, just take my money as a token of my appreciation for your coming out to see me.”

And we went on our merry ways, me having the money from my aunt AND an extra $20 in my wallet that hadn’t been there before.

Steph, Sarah Moore and her generous self, and me in St. Louis <3

"The Red Bulletin" featured Breakdance Project Uganda in their December 2011 issue - SICK!!!

When I woke up the next morning and realized God had answered my prayers about money and anxiety almost instantaneously through the actions of my aunt and fellow Wheaton alumni Sarah Moore, I was floored. Looking back, a seemingly selfish prayer about money and materialism was answered immediately. And I knew that if God was willing to answer even selfish and materialistic prayers I offered up about my personal anxieties, how much more was a good and provident and omniscient and omnipresent God willing to help anyone and everyone who came to Him for help?? Therefore, I decided a majority of the holiday money I had received would go directly toward charity – one being the “Breakdance Project Uganda” I had read about in Red Bull’s magazine “The Red Bulletin”last month. BPU is a project that supports at-risk Ugandan youth and society through breakdancing and hip-hop projects and is endorsed by Red Bull and donors worldwide. Because I can do the worm and love hip-hop music a little more than I probably should, my heart is extremely close to this cause and it makes me extremely happy to know I can help God use hoppin’ and poppin’ means to serve those in need. #\/

Learning the SIX-STEP, yo! \/

Like I said in the title of this post, it’s important for me to remember that, even though I received some money in response to my prayer about it, God is NOT a vending machine. It’s not like we can just ask Him for an iPhone and it will appear in our stocking on Christmas morning. Rather, like a preacher said during a church service I attended in Chicago last month, how much good could be done in the world if we put our hope in Jesus and simply took the time to ask Him for help with the mundane tasks of every day? He argued that some of us are too afraid to ask for specific things, or think that God is too busy to listen to us, or think we have to do everything on our own because God has too much other stuff going on to worry about our ‘insignificant’ problems. Instead, the preacher challenged us to think about prayer in a different way – to really believe God cares and can and will take the time to help us out with anything and everything we ask for. If we were to start asking Him for help with our personal struggles and anxieties and worries and needs of the world, we would see miracles happen. And I’m not saying that I’m a perfect prayer, but I believe my receiving that money on December 26^th was not a coincidence – it was a modern day MIRACLE and answer to prayer!!! But, I didn’t exactly go to God and tug on His robes and ask for $100 – rather, I asked that He would ease my anxieties about $$$. I recognize that He could have answered that prayer in any way He wanted to, but He chose to bless me with material gain. Therefore, I am going to give back every day while being thankful for His graciousness and generosity shared with me by my family and close friends. I’ll also keep praying like a crazy person that God will continue to change the world for the better because God is soooo good – and the Spirit is moving. Jump on the bandwagon, people – it’s time to BELIEVE!!!

Luke 11:9

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

“BOUNCING CATS:” Breakdance Project Uganda

http://vimeo.com/12234800

An angel watching over downtown Evanston! <3

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to live as light of the world. With the Christmas holiday coming up, it’s easy to be reminded of the light that’s all around us via strings of Christmas lights, candles in windows, decorative sparkles and the like…but then I was reminded at advent last Sunday, when they lit the first candle on the wreath at church, of a visit I took two weeks ago to see my Grandpa in the hospital in St. Louis. That trip turned out to be a huge wake up call in more ways than one, but above all else was a huge reminder of the importance of letting our light shine before others.

It all started on the “el” ride on the way to the Amtrak station in downtown Chicago – I was reading my Twitter feed when I came across a tweet by @thekenworth: “You are the light of the world – don’t forget to shine.” And then, the next day, as I walked down the hallway of Grandpa Bob’s apartment building in St. Louis, I came across this decoration: “Let your light shine.”

A hallway decoration at Cape Albeon down the hall from Grandpa's Apartment!

And then, listening to the K-LOVE radio station in St. Louis on the way to the hospital ten minutes later, they started playing Kari Jobe’s song “We Are (The Light of the World).” It was a beautiful span of 24 hours. And a beautiful reminder that we are called to let our light shine no matter what.

During that weekend when I went to visit my Grandpa in the hospital, I learned that, even in the midst of adversity, with my dad losing his job three weeks ago and my Grandpa Bob laying in the hospital suffering from a broken back at the age of 91, a little optimism can go a long way. Seeing Grandpa’s face light up over simple things like seeing his son or daughter or granddaughter or talking on the phone for 30 seconds with his daughter in law was amazing – yet, three minutes after life seemed perfect he would wince and need of another dose of pain medication for his healing back wound. How beautiful were those moments of smiles and thumbs-ups and light in that hospital room, burning brighter than the smell of rubber gloves and medication!

Grandpa Bob and Dad giving the "thumbs up" during one of our hospital visits. "I'm ready to get the hell outta here!" - Grandpa Bob

Since that trip, I’ve come to appreciate all of the gifts we’ve been given on a daily basis and to honor the God who gives and takes away. To see my Grandpa in such immense pain, yet able to smile and give a thumbs-up when all he really wanted to do was sleep – it was amazing. Bahhh, I think it would be SO wonderful if people embraced their passions and lived them out all of the time. To know that Grandpa Bob has lived his life pursuing amazing and hilarious things that give life to everyone around him (he was written up in the St. Louis Post Dispatch three years ago for his tradition of baking lemon cakes at least 3x/week for people celebrating birthdays around his apartment complex, Cape Albeon), and has won the Cape’s Halloween Costume Contest 5 of the past 7 years with the help of my Aunt Jeanne (seamstress extraordinaire), it’s the worst thing in the world for me to see people unhappy, or struggling, or sad.

Grandpa Bob winning Cape Albeon's Halloween Costume Contest for the 5th out of the 7 past years - Aunt Jeanne created and designed all of his costumes!

In my opinion, life is far too short to do things you’re not passionate about and, as corny as it is, I have come to embrace the following quote:

“Dance like no one is watching,

Love like you’ve never been hurt,

Sing like no one is listening,

and live like heaven is here on earth.”

It was hard to be in the hospital seeing people in pain and suffering, but it made every smiling face I saw that much more special. Because I’ve been blessed with incredible inspiration within my family and throughout my life, I try and make every day an opportunity to overcome any sort of darkness or anxiety or fear that surrounds me with thankfulness for the beauty of the day and the people around me. I therefore always try to always have a smile on – because, as that old wise saying says, “Never frown – you never know who may be falling in love with your smile.” ;-P !

Me playing the ukulele for Grandpa at St. Luke's hospital - he was humming along!

So, during my visit to the hospital, I brought my ukulele and sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with my aunt and dad for Grandpa Bob. When the nurses came in smiling and Grandpa started humming along, I knew the cheesiness of the moment didn’t matter – what did was the joy that came from being together. And that was amazing. And I can only hope I live up to the example and standard of a faith-filled, awe-inspiring, creative and passionate life that Grandpa Bob and all others in my family have set for me. So I play and sing, with the encouragement of the Psalmists and Paul:

“My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul. Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn.”

-Psalm 108:1-

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.”

-Colossians 3:16-

And my prayer for the world is that everyone is able to embrace their inner light and passion and life – whatever it may be – and live it out EXUBERANTLY for the good of all mankind! Praise the Shepherd, hallelujah, amen – cuz Jesus came to give us life – abundantly. #holla.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

-Matthew 5:14-

Addison Road- This Little Light Of Mine Music Video from fairtradeservices on GodTube.

There’s a little flame inside us all
Some shine bright
Some shine small
The rains will come
And the waters rise
But don’t you ever lose your light

In this life you will know
Love and pain
Joy and sorrow
So when it hurts
When times get hard
Don’t forget whose child you are

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

May you live each day
With no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
And your eyes get wide
When you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child’s heart

With the ones you love
Treasure the time
And for those who are gone
Keep the memories alive

Hold on to your dreams
Don’t ever let go
There’s a fire inside you
Burning with hope

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

There will be days when you wanna give up
When clouds settle in
But after the rain comes the sun
Don’t you ever forget
Don’t forget
Don’t, don’t forget

One day there will be no more pain
And we will finally see Jesus’ face
So until then I’m gonna try
To brave the dark
And let my little light shine

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

]]> http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/2011/11/30/let-your-light-shine/feed/ 0 gpacostume ajalthoff angel lightshine gpahospital gpacostume GpaBobuke http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/thepowerofpositiveperspective/ http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/thepowerofpositiveperspective/#comments Wed, 26 Oct 2011 06:25:07 +0000 ajalthoff http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/?p=90 ]]>

Medill School of Journalism, MSJ Candidates - Class of 2012

“The glory of God is man fully alive.”

-   Saint Irenaeus –

Not to sound like a broken record, but grad school is still not exactly what I was expecting.

I’m not as terrified as I was during the first couple of weeks of class, but post-grad life is still a lot to handle.  Like I’ve said before, you’d think spending a summer in the North Woods of Wisconsin would prepare me for anything, but black bears and 25-mile canoe trips are nothing compared to some of the challenges that come with the concrete jungle of Chicago.  I’m now able to handle the extensive “El” system with ease (and with the help of an unlimited ride pass from Northwestern) and would prefer to take public transportation than put Babs through a 45-minute commute with crazy Chicago drivers, but am still adjusting to life both inside and outside of the classroom.

‘This class knocks everyone on their a$$,” my Editing professor told me at mid-term conferences today. “So, as long as you don’t royally screw up in the next few weeks, you should be all right.”

Comforting, right? A string of D- and F’s have brought me to realize that mediocrity is relative and a B- is a passing grade. I’ve officially said goodbye to my dreams of getting a 4.0 grade point average because, as a result of the last four weeks, I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten what the letter “A” looks like written out on paper.  It feels weird, but, like my mom, dad and grandpa have always told me, “Do your best – you can’t do any better than that.” C’est la vie – I’ll just have to pray that, at the end of the semester, a curve will miraculously descend from heaven and raise my grades by, well, a lot.

Outside of the classroom on the streets of Chicago, while yes, I’m not as terrified as I was when I first started the program, have experienced much of the same a$$-kicking sentiment my Editing professor told me about today.  I have accidentally gotten lost on the streets of Chicago at night and have hence encountered a couple of different characters that have asked me how I’m doing (“Hey girl, how you doin’?”) and what’s up (“Hey darlin’, what’s happening?”), and I’ve managed to walk into ankle-deep puddles wearing moccasins instead of rain boots and almost been blown onto train tracks by 60-mph wind gusts (welcome to the Windy City).  Unfortunately, I would hardly call these characters I’ve met in the city “friends,” and the weather has not done much to improve my perception of the city at large, but I’ve found that dwelling on these negative details doesn’t do much to improve my quality of life – or anyone else’s around me, for that matter.

So, I recently had an epiphany.  All around me, there is beauty, and it’s awesome.  Blessings are abounding, and negative thinking twists reality into a bunch of crap.  Instead of being full of fear and anxiety about my surroundings and callings and tasks and responsibilities, I had a choice: I could actually trust God and be excited about what I was doing.  This truth was introduced to me by my Editing lab tablemate who came to class one day several weeks ago, sat down, and said: “Allison! We have a current events quiz today!” to which I responded, “Why yes, we do…” and she exclaimed, “Aren’t you EXCITED???” and I said, “Umm…sure?” and she said, “I’m SO excited to see what’s news this week.  Did you hear about…” and she went on and on about the current events of the week and I was like, whoa, girl, and the conversation ended up being a super helpful and insightful review on what had been news that week and it actually helped me get two more points that I wouldn’t have received had I not had that pleasant exchange with my tablemate.

So, the next week, I came back to class and sat down, and as I had anticipated, my tablemate said, “Hey Allison!, do you know what today is??” and I said, “Current events quiz day?” and she responded, “Yes!!! Aren’t you excited??” and I said, “Yes!!! I can’t WAIT to see what our professor is going to put on our quiz for newsworthy events this week…will it be the man who ate 75 hot dogs in one sitting? Or All My Children being canceled?” and she said, “Maybe is will be the woman who had a baby seven hours after finishing the Chicago Marathon…” and our exchange went on until, lo and behold, after our discussion that had been filled with eager optimism and anticipation, it wasn’t much of a surprise that most of what we discussed ended up being on the quiz.  As a result of my positive attitude, I improved my grade almost 150% from the previous week.  MIRACULOUS!!!

After my tablemate’s inspiration to be more positive about everything, I found myself asking myself why I wasn’t more positive about more things, and I started to say encouraging things about assignments we were assigned even if I didn’t believe it in my head.  As I became more verbally optimistic, my grades began to increase (even if just half of a grade point at a time).  Also, I began to find myself meeting new people and stepping out into new social settings including a 20-somethings group at church (Willow Creek North Shore what what!).  In just one two-hour meeting we had last week, I learned first-hand more about God’s grace and acceptance extended through fellow believers than I think I’ve learned my entire life (well, maybe that’s a bit drastic, but it was awesome). Also, we closed the meeting by affirming the power of positive perspective.  On our way out the door, a member of my small group stated with enthusiasm, “All right! Let’s do this! Bring on the best week ever!”

As I have been working through how to do life unafraid, I have been reading this book called “Waking the Dead” by John Eldredge and it’s really, really amazing.  A pastor at Antioch Community Church in Wheaton referenced it during one of his sermons I listened to in September, and I picked it up the next day when I literally walked past it at my nutritionist’s office (coincidence? I think not!).  It has been a HUGE wake up call for me, and I’ve learned a ton about living life passionately from the heart.  The following quote is one Eldredge includes in the book that I feel speaks to the theme of optimism and how beautiful life is:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us…and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Nelson Mandela -

Last week, I had lunch with a classmate who said something interesting.  “Really, if you think about it, Christianity in its most extreme state would be complete chaos.  Think about the people who really embraced that faith and went with it – Jesus, Martin Luther – they took the societies they were born into and pressed all the buttons they needed to press to turn things upside down.  So, doesn’t that mean that today, all Christians have seeds of revolution inside of them? And then, is revolution always a good thing?”

I was taken aback at first, but then realized, dude, that’s SO true, so, naturally, coming off of my newfound optimism and enthusiasm for everything that is life, said, “Yeah! And I think that’s exciting.”

And I thought I’d answered his question well, but I realized later that I didn’t really understand the implications of what I said when I said it.  Did I really think revolution was always a good thing? And if I did, what did that mean for me?  The grades I’d been receiving in class were far from exceptional, I could barely walk up to a stranger on the street to ask them for an interview for a class assignment without freaking out inside and I spent a majority of my time in my apartment completing writing assignments and preparing for class.  None of these things seem like fodder for revolution, I thought to myself. I’ve been busy pitying myself and feeling like my creativity is being stifled by all of the mundane grammar and usage tasks I’m required to complete when I could have been out in the world doing something substantial!  And then I remembered another quote my dad always shared with me: “Your reputation is built on what you do, not on what you think or imagine you will do.” And I was like, wow, I really need to get outside of myself and DO something instead of sitting at home and thinking about it.  But, there’s this little thing called fear that was holding me back – what was I supposed to do with that?

I decided that, in light of Mandela’s quote and my findings in life in general, I really had no choice – I had to step out in faith, toward new experiences, and trust that God would keep me safe, but this irrational fear of being in the city thing must have some sort of legitimacy.  So, as I continued to talk to family and friends and read Eldredge’s book, I realized that it is very important we prepare ourselves adequately for the tasks we desire to undertake instead of throwing ourselves into the fire right away, because we will get burned.  Just as a musician practices or a mathematician completes problems, we must practice to make perfect.  Our hearts aren’t born wise, Eldredge says; it takes time and training and humility to gain life-giving wisdom from God.  In the same way, I couldn’t expect to throw myself into the middle of downtown Chi-town with a video camera and expect to come out unscathed; so, I became comfortable with the mundane grammar and usage tasks I had been assigned and began to appreciate the little things in life, like shared enthusiasm with my Editing table mates over trivial current events.

Baby steps are frustrating for me, but as I continue to face increasingly challenging situations and course loads, I am appreciating the tedious aspects of preparation more and more.  If you prepare yourself adequately for the tasks that lie ahead, you will accomplish more when they come, and stay safe in the process.  Every experience I have is a valuable one, even if they seem boring at the time.  I’m also starting to find that God shows up everywhere, but not until you start moving – God helps those who help themselves.  As my very wise co-counselor from camp this past summer told me several weeks ago, “God can only steer a sailing ship. Not one that’s docked, you know?”

Life is beautiful, but it’s not by my doing.  Life is unpredictable, and I’m not in control.  This sucks to realize sometimes, but I have been finding that I have no choice – God is in charge, and I’m just a player in the game – until I admit that I have no idea what the heck I’m doing and my gifts are not mine.  THAT’S when exciting stuff starts happening – when I ask God to use me to accomplish something tangible and lasting. I get thrown assignments and people and opportunities and experiences that are amazing and awesome – GOD IS SOOO GOOD!!!!!!!, and I have been so blessed. Thankfulness is one of life’s simplest gifts, and it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.

“Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 4:4-

GET HIGHER

When you step in the room
They won’t be holding me down
All these demons in my head
Come on let’s kill them with sound
You see I’m begging that you take me
And you never look back
That’s why I’m crying to a wall
Hoping that you come now

I don’t wanna wake up from this
I cannot afford to forget
The feeling of your arms, they hold me
The power of your skin, it’s lovely
You provoke a man to bow down
I get on my knees and cry out
Everything I have is yours now

So the time is now
Don’t let me down
Oh the time is now
Just don’t let me down

Get higher, and higher, and higher
When my back’s against the wall
You’re the hand that breaks my fall
Climb higher, and higher, and higher
When my back’s against the wall
You’re the hand that breaks my fall

Take me to a place for romance
You can choose the space I’m for this
I can hardly breathe it’s so deep
My hands begin to shake with frailty
You will not escape my embrace
‘Cause I’ll be holding on with violence
Everything I have is yours now

So the time is now
Just don’t let me down
Oh the time is now
Please don’t let me down

Get higher, and higher, and higher
When my back’s against the wall
You’re the hand that breaks my fall
Climb higher, and higher, and higher
When my back’s against the wall
You’re the hand that breaks my fall

When you step in the room
They won’t be holding me down
All these demons in my head
Come on let’s kill them with sound
You see we finally get a message that we’re gonna break out
I say we wrestle all the angels ’til they give us a crown
You know we’re gonna live forever if we hold on to love
So don’t you leave me when you know that I am feeling your touch
You see I’m begging that you take me and you never look back
That’s why I’m crying to a wall hoping that you come now

I’ll wait for you

You’re my fire

]]> http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/thepowerofpositiveperspective/feed/ 0 ajalthoff medill http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/2011/10/01/perfect-love-casts-out-fear/ http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/2011/10/01/perfect-love-casts-out-fear/#comments Sat, 01 Oct 2011 06:15:02 +0000 ajalthoff http://dailycaptivation.wordpress.com/?p=81 ]]>

I like to catch lunch here, on the shore of Lake Michigan outside of Fisk Hall...it's pretty amazing (and so is the iPhone's camera)

Northwestern University isn’t exactly what I had expected.  I knew I was in for a wild ride, but I had no idea I would experience the anxiety and culture shock that I have been during this transition to Big Ten graduate school education.

“So class, let’s discuss.  Why should anyone give a flying f*** about photojournalism?”

In the time it took for me to recover from the seventeenth “F” bomb that had been uttered by my well-intentioned professors throughout that first week of class, I was able to realize that I definitely wasn’t at Wheaton College anymore.

While Northwestern provides its students with top-ranked programs, resources and professors, it comes with an extra dose of stress and anxiety – and no serotonin to counteract the effects.  Rather, we’re faced with “real-world” situations, experiences and assignments that our professors throw at us and assume we can handle with ease.  This expectation, at least for me, has been shocking at times and straight up terrifying in others.  Coming home at 8 p.m. every night to an empty apartment after nine hours of class has often caused me to wonder what the heck I’m doing here.

This morning, I sat through three hours of presentations from my classmates analyzing the demographics and cultural climates of the neighborhoods in Northwest region of Chicago we’ve been assigned to report on.  Highlighting themes of diversity and crime rates, the students did a very thorough job presenting the facts – which were, for the most part, depressing.  Given, I’m a Caucasian college-educated suburbanite, so some could say I was raised in a “sheltered” environment, but the lens through which I saw the facts presented today told me one non-negotiable universal truth: that the world is messed up, and we all need love.  Before I get labeled as an optimistic commune-hopping socialist here, let me clarify my point.

For the first two weeks here at Medill, I’ve been afraid.  Afraid of being sent out into the neighborhoods of Chicago, afraid of the crime rates, afraid of the gang violence and afraid of being thrown into challenging situations I had never been exposed to before (including parallel parking a Buick on a two lane street).  After becoming “familiar” with Chicago by visiting the neighborhood and interviewing various members of the community about their impressions of life in general, I came away with many of the same feelings I had coming in: anxiety and uneasiness.  This was a most undesirable discovery.

I am going to have to report in this neighborhood for the next three months, I thought to myself, and I can hardly handle talking to 10 strangers on the street on a Sunday afternoon. How am I supposed to find stories and report on them for the next three months without dying of anxiety or actually being shot and killed???

It’s one thing to trust God with your life but a completely different thing to put it literally in His hands, walking the same streets that the Latin Kings do and stopping at a crosswalk where a drive-by murder had occurred a mere month before.  This becomes even more of a problem when I hear my professors tell us that, in fulfilling our duty as journalists, we may find ourselves in uncomfortable situations at inopportune times.

As my weeks in class have progressed, I’ve been blessed with a few moments of inspiration.  A student in class Wednesday morning raised her hand to ask the lecturer, a 30-something female photo-journalist for the Chicago Tribune, how to get over feelings of uneasiness when reporting in unfamiliar areas.

“Well, I’d say the best advice I ever got about reporting is to just throw yourself into it. As a college freshman I went straight to downtown Chicago and started taking photos of people on the street.  Just get right up into it, and you don’t have a reason to be uncomfortable anymore.  When I was 20, I followed around a homeless family for two years.  The first night on the job, I met this family – the mom had four kids and was HIV positive.  I slept in the shelter with them.  And I followed them, every day for two years.  So, my advice now would be to get out there and get uncomfortable.  If you don’t get over it now, when are you going to? What are you going to do when your editor at the Chicago Tribune sends you out on a story in the city at 11 p.m.? They’re not going to care if you’re too uncomfortable to go out on assignment.”

And I realized that, in hearing that advice, maybe my fear of reporting in Chicago was somewhat irrational.  If this woman could accomplish THAT, who was I to think that I couldn’t do something just as crazy?

That night, my dad texted me. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

And I was reminded of Joshua, God’s manly man from the Old Testament who led the Israelites into the Promised Land.  And I thanked my dad for instigating the major realization that it’s no minor coincidence that a major theme of my life the past 12 months has been about taking risks and stepping out in faith to allow God to move and provide in uncomfortable and unfamiliar situations.

So why am I freaking out now, here, in the midst of urban America?  For whatever reason, it’s been really hard for me to come to the conclusion that this experience in Chicago must just be another challenging chapter in my life – it must be because it’s hard to get excited about this new season of growth and discovery when every time I open the newspaper I read about a man getting shot in the face at a store or a teenage boy being murdered as he talks to his mother on the front porch of his home.  The geography here is a bit different from the North Woods of Wisconsin, sure, but this concrete jungle I find myself in shouldn’t be any more intimidating than the middle of nowhere where I shared my camp and running trails with deer and black bears…right?

My lab partner said something simple and profound this morning as we were discussing stress over the day’s assignment. “You know, it’s like we’re all in isolation here.  Like in Alcoholics Anonymous or something, all we need to do is come out and talk about our problems and we figure out that everyone is thinking the same thing.”

And I realized this truth, the importance of honesty, and vulnerability and support in community is exactly what has been missing from my time here at Northwestern.  The fact of the matter is that no matter what statistics are available for review or analysis, nothing can explain the violence and brokenness in the communities we’ll be reporting in besides the need we all have for love and affirmation that goes unmet most of the time.  And that need is just at real in the hearts of Caucasian suburbanite Christians like me as it is in the hearts of those who are isolated and committing the violence that exists within the neighborhoods of Northwest Chicago.  We all have the same needs, and are all looking for the same answers we need to survive – to know that we’re loved.

Because love is beautiful.

And God is love.

And God’s love is irrational and relevant.

But what we do with that truth is up to us.

I know there is violence and crime and brokenness in the world, but I also know the truth of redemption and love that is available to everyone in the name of Jesus Christ is bigger and brighter than any darkness that could ever come into existence.  The beauty God has instilled in each and every one of us in the image of Himself as His children gives me hope, and so, if fate and God have decided that I’m scheduled to be shot in the face on a street corner in Northwest Chicago next week, I will still choose love and go down with a smile, because I know love wins. And we’re called to show that love to each other.

God loves us more than life itself, and has a great adventure planned for each and every one of us if we choose to follow Him. I will follow Him forever, because I know my journey since choosing to follow Him has been full of incredible and beautiful moments and experiences.  And I will cling to the truth of redemption forever.

“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.”

1 John 4

David Crowder Band: “How He Loves” (i.e., the best and most amazing Christian song ever written. No song more beautifully encapsulates the love God has for us as His creation)

Phil Wickham makes me wanna…bring Eden back to the present, people.

God never meant for the Spiritual and Material worlds to be separated.  In the beginning, before the Fall, we were in Eden with God and He walked among the trees and foliage with us.  We hid nothing from Him, and we were naked – both physically and emotionally.  There were no secrets; none from God, and I doubt Adam and Eve kept any from each other – I mean, what was there to hide? Everything was pretty much out in the open, and Jacob Black – I mean, lust – hadn’t been introduced to humanity yet.

And then Eve ate the apple. And the pattern of our making our own decisions, apart from God’s will for us, began.  And we began to hide ourselves from each other, and from God.  Today, Satan’s greatest trick works the same way it did in the garden thousands of years ago – he continues to successfully convince us that we know what’s best for us better than God does.  As a result, we take life into our own hands.  We worry about things that are out of our control, take things that were never meant to be ours, and say things we think people want to hear instead of seeking to love others as ourselves.  And life is good, until it’s not anymore, and we find ourselves left with the carnage of our selfish decisions and choices, and we wonder why we’re in pain when we attempt to clean up our messes with more bad decisions.

The cruelest joke Satan plays on life is love. Culture has ruined it, and turned it into lust that leads to nothing but broken hearts, addictions, and deception.  Because we believe we know what’s better for us than God does, when we take things into our own hands in the love arena, we naturally decide to love what culture loves.  We love beauty; we love superficiality; and we love what is unattainable.  Love is glorified to be something that will fix all of the problems in the world, even our own personal struggles and insecurities, but since when did Prince Charming arrive on his gorgeous horse bearing not only studly armor and a killer tan but three doctorate degrees in clinical therapy, psychology, and lovemaking?  Mmhmm, yep.  Didn’t think so.

We are all lying to ourselves.  We don’t actually know what’s best for us, and neither does Gossip Girl.  If the rampant spread of AIDS via needles and sexual transmission isn’t enough proof to say we are completely clueless, personal experience with broken relationships, bad drug trips, hangovers, or abuse should be enough to show us the truth of the existence of our sin nature.  What if we came clean with ourselves, each other and God right out of the gate?  What if we admitted that we actually don’t really know what’s best for us and will probably lead ourselves astray the moment we’re faced with a tough decision?  What if we looked to God for help because we could admit the expectations we impose on each other are ridiculous?

I think the reason we resist this surrender and obedience to God is because of temptation.  We don’t want to surrender to God because we’re prideful and think we know best, but this is a sin in and of itself.  As we go about our lives and make decisions, we are tempted by various vices and opportunities that, by our getting involved with them, will ultimately hurt people and lead us into addictions.  We can’t see it as it happens, but we tend to get involved in dangerous relationships, think badly of ourselves and buy new cool clothes to feel better, spend all of our money on cheese balls then tell ourselves we need to be thinner, start drinking then wish we hadn’t slept with the guy from two doors down because of how awkward class will be the next day, then wake up the morning after a raging party wishing we could accomplish something substantial but can’t because we’re too hung over to get out of bed.  Too few of us ask God to take our relationships, decisions and choices into His hands so He can help us make them something glorifying to Him because we think we can do what’s best for us better than God, our creator, can.

What if, instead of stumbling around at parties and being unsatisfied or frustrated with our friendships and relationships and resisting God’s love, we would show each other the love of Christ and live in the truth that we’re loved by God more than anyone or anything could love us here on Earth?  What if we, as a result of our receiving God’s divine love, could hold each other to heavenly standards of excellence, encouraging each other to live as if the kingdom of heaven were here on Earth because we believed that God, the king of the universe, loved us enough to come down here and hang with us, like He did in Eden?

What if we admitted that God, our Creator, knows what we are doing to ourselves better than we do, and that, because He created us, has the remedy, the cure to our selfishness – and what would happen when we realized that the answer to all of our needs and frustrations is love? A vast, all-encompassing love that we are unable to create on our own, but true love that God has granted us the ability to share with the power of His Spirit in Christ.  Would we receive it and seek to become accountable to others who have received the same love here on Earth?

What if we challenged ourselves to redefine love? To begin to believe that true love is only found by choosing to walk the same walk that Jesus walked – the selfless walk of a man who would be willing to sit at the dinner table with us, listening to our life stories like there was nothing more captivating, sincerely desiring to understand the pain we were experiencing so He could walk through it with us, and encourage us to take it all and turn it into something beautiful?

I recently read that Denmark is the happiest nation in the world, and that America is one of the least satisfied nations in the world.  The basis of the findings surprised me: it turns out that an overwhelming majority of the Denmark population had some of the lowest expectations in the world. Because they expected less, they were satisfied with more.  American citizens, on the other hand, had much higher general expectations and, as a result, were more dissatisfied than most other nations about the quality of their lives in general.  Therefore, maybe we all, especially here in America, expect too much of each other, and of life in general.  What if we spent more time looking to God for fulfillment and worth, basked in the goodness of His love, and became satisfied with what we have instead of grasping blindly for others’ affirmations and affection through materialism and manipulation?

What if we put our own needs on hold to simply sit with each other and receive God’s love continually, as if our lives depended on it, then were able to share each others’ burdens with the help of Christ’s unconditional love and healing power?  Would life be like it was back in Eden?  Or will we deny this heavenly vision and calling and continue to give into the flames that feel pretty awesome right now, but will ultimately burn us in death? As Madonna says, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, but Jesus wants us to choose the path to life NOW – even though it may seem hard at first, it is the path to righteousness, and the Lord rewards those who are faithful.

“Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.  Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.”

Philippians 3:17

Katy Perry – “Who Am I Living For?”

This song beautifully illustrates the dichotomy between our sinful desires and the kingdom of heaven and recognizes the intensity of our struggle with temptation here on Earth.  It will never be easy to make the right decision, but it’s possible with God.  The struggle with evil is real, as Katy Perry admits – but we have to make our own choice to come into the light.

Luke 15, “The Parable of the Lost Sheep”

During a sermon at a friend’s church in Colorado a couple of years ago, the pastor gave a sermon about sheep.  He began by describing how sheep have some of the smallest brains of any mammal in the animal kingdom, then went on to saw how frustrating the job of a shepherd must have been in Biblical times, or even how frustrating it is in modern times because of their tendency to run away.

This pastor then went on to tell a story about his friend who had some sheep on a farm and had to install an electrical platform outside of the pen’s gate in case the sheep that escaped from their pen put themselves at risk of becoming roadkill (which they often did).  The shock they would receive through their hooves before they left the gate would course through them with enough intensity to propel them backward, but not enough to deter them from escaping altogether.  The few sheep that flipped onto their backs as a result of the shock were unable to move, but the farmer watched those who remained on their hooves in awe as they continued to charge onto the platform, only to be propelled backward over and over again.

Even back in ancient times, before the technical advancements of electrical fences and platforms, sheep were challenging to manage.  Shepherding / nomadic lifestyles were pretty popular in ancient Israel, but it wasn’t the easiest job in the world.  A simple reading of Psalm 23 tells us not only that the daily life of an ancient shepherd was challenging and strenuous, but also that God provided the Psalmist (King David) with comfort and peace in ways not much different than an ancient shepherd cared for his flock:

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Donald Miller spells out in his chapter on “Morality” from Searching for God Knows What, provides readers with a thoughtful analysis of the passage that is not much different than the role Jesus came to fulfill for us – that of our “good shepherd” (John 10:14):

“Peter would argue in the book of Acts that when David talked about the Lord, he was talking about Jesus, acting as a kind of prophet.  And in this light, the Twenty-Third Psalm becomes quite beautiful.  The Valley of the Shadow of Death, I came to learn while studying the passage, is an actual valley outside Jerusalem.  It is treacherous terrain, and shepherds once herded sheep through this valley to move them to green pastures and fresh water.  There were crags in the rocks, ditches, and thorn bushes that sheep, simple as they are, would fall into, so shepherds had to use their staffs, those big sticks with the rounded hooks on the end, to reach into the crags and ditches to rescue the sheep.  And the shepherd also had a rod he would use to scare off wild animals, keeping the sheep safe in the passage.”

I love Donald Miller’s insight on this passage.  How perfect is the parallel between the Valley of the Shadow of Death and our existence here on Earth?  It’s a pretty treacherous place, especially without guidance from a shepherd.  Every day we are at risk to fall into holes and ditches and get lost and hurt.  Luckily for us, Jesus wants to rescue us, if only we’d let Him.  Donald Miller has a little more to say about this concept:

“In the Twenty-Third Psalm, David says, ‘Your rod and your staff, they comfort me’, and when I think of myself as a sheep, looking up at Jesus, who has a staff to rescue me and a rod to protect me, it makes me feel that this passage is quite endearing, that basically I am a simple sheep, having very little idea of what is right and wrong, and Jesus is going to pull me out of the ditches when I screw up, and protect me from spiritual enemies who, as we’ve already discussed, roam about like lions.”

Which is all SO true!!! Jesus totally has a rod and staff to comfort and protect me, but I sometimes ignore Him and attempt to take matters into my own hands.  I then feel like, based on the decisions I’ve made in life, I identify more with the sheep of these stories that fall into ditches and continue to walk themselves into electrical shock over and over again than the ones who lie down in green pastures. Even though it must have been painful for those sheep from Colorado to walk themselves into the electrical current over and over again, they kept doing it until they were flipped onto their backs, unable to move until the shepherd came to flip them onto their feet again.

As the pastor spoke in Colorado, I pondered my fate as a black sheep that was destined to walk into pits and electrical fences for the rest of my existence.  I realized that I was being told that I was just as dumb as those stupid sheep in the pasture, and was initially upset.  As I thought about it a little more, though, I realized that he was right.  Not only was I unable to break the destructive habits I had been following in my own life, but as a result of my continuous choices to run away from God’s love, I was hurting myself.  What was it going to take for me to realize that I needed to stop??? As time would tell, it would take another several months of electrical shock therapy for me to come to grips with my role in life as a completely helpless, stupid sheep.

This past summer, the sheep analogy all came together for me.  During a worship night a friend of mine hosted for my high school Service Teamers, she shared a powerful illustration about Luke 15.  The Scripture says when the shepherd finds his lost sheep he places them on his shoulders and returns home.  What the Scriptures don’t say, however, is that there was a punishment for the few sheep that would continuously stray away from the group.  These repeat offenders would eventually have their legs broken and then be hung around the necks of the shepherd to be transported home.  They would remain on the shepherd’s shoulders until they healed, and because of this punishment and forced proximity to their shepherd for an extended period of time, the sheep became dependent on the shepherd and wouldn’t stray anymore.

It’s crazy to take this illustration and put us in the sheep’s place.  Jesus is our shepherd, and He wants to keep us close to Him, away from thorn bushes and ditches.  How similar are we to the sheep that stray away, though?  We’re always running off to do whatever we want, and as a result, Jesus sometimes has to take us and break our legs – or our hearts, or whatever other extremity we mess up, to catch our attention and explode into our hearts.  How long will it take for us to realize that Jesus truly is the way, the truth, and the life?  Why do we put ourselves through pain when all we have to do is give everything up to Jesus?  He wasn’t joking when He said “My yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30).  So why don’t we trust Him with our lives, hearts and decisions?!?!  Why do we continue to run around, attempting to solve other people’s problems, attempting to fix ourselves on our own, suffering in damaging situations and making our hearts bitter when love is HERE?! The only condolence I found when attempting to sort through this problem of suffering was a quote from one of my closest friends during sophomore year of college: “Your faith isn’t yours until you break it.”

Or, now, looking back on my own life and experience, I would probably say, “Your faith isn’t yours until you’re broken.”  Just like the repeat-offender sheep who had to have their legs broken and be carried by the shepherd to truly accept the power of Christ’s redeeming love, I couldn’t accept Christ’s love until my heart was literally broken into a thousand pieces.  Which means I’m probably not the only stubborn one in the bunch – and that means that there are some other pretty incredible stories of redemption taking place right now, at this moment. Or ones waiting to happen…waiting to be discovered and shared with the world!

One of the most amazing things I’ve encountered in life since this realization of my stubbornness is the beauty of people who embrace God’s love and know and recognize truth without putting themselves through the pain of electrical shock or broken extremities. As Jesus says to “Doubting Thomas” in the Gospel of John, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29).  I thank God every day for the angels among us who have brought light to this dark world with their relentless faith and have inspired me to pursue the path of righteousness, and I pray every day that I would be a vessel for the beautiful love I have been blessed to receive in abundance from my Lord and Savior, the “Good Shepherd”, Jesus Christ.

NeedtoBreathe: “We Could Run Away”

This song is one of my favorites, in a bittersweet sort of way. It reminds me that we have the freedom to run wherever we want to go and will probably have a bit of fun with it, but as personal experience tells me, unless we’re running toward Jesus, we’re probably going to end up in the bottom of a ditch, just like the sheep who get lost in the valley of the shadow of death.

“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

John 3:8

Most people in the world would probably admit they recognize the existence of both good and bad in the world.  Harry Potter, Spider-Man and Clark Kent are a few of many examples of superheroes that battle evil forces and come out on top, and their stories are pretty captivating – but they’re all fictional.  As fun as they are to watch, they’re on the silver screen – not out in real life with us.  Therefore, as easy as it is to sit down in the theater, pay $10 for a ticket, munch on some popcorn and cheer for the protagonist from the safety of our cushioned AMC recliners, it’s easy to forget that, when the lights go up and we leave the theater, we will again be responsible for taking up our roles in the drama of LIFE.

This past summer at camp, we had the honor and privilege of bringing our high school group into civilization to see the last installment of the Harry Potter series – our group of 16-year olds was ecstatic and loved being able to catch the premiere.  As a result of our being a part of a Christian camp, we were required to work the Harry Potter premiere into our curriculum as camp counselors and therefore planned a group discussion with the intent of debriefing the philosophical and theological implications of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”.  As we sat under the sun on benches in the main quad of HoneyRock, our campers’ eyes glazed over as we attempted to draw answers to our critical questions out of them.  Much to my dismay, we were met with mostly glazed-over eyeballs and slouched postures in response to our inquiries about good vs. evil and the inner conflict of Harry Potter.  In a dull moment where I had lost almost all enthusiasm for the conversation, my most soft-spoken co-counselor spoke up out of the blue with a passion and fervor that, in our two months of ministry together, I had never seen from him.  As he opened his mouth and began to speak, the group immediately snapped to attention.

“Don’t you REALIZE what this means??” he insisted passionately.  As he looked around, I wondered where exactly his passion was coming from.  Who was this guy that was talking, and where had he been all summer?

“As impressive as all of the special effects and characterization and everything are in the Harry Potter movies, it’s nothing compared to the life we’re living right here, right now.  We’re living characters in the greatest drama of all time – and Jesus Christ is our hero who’s come to save us.  Don’t you know?  He’s already won!  So it’s time we start living like it.”

His words were powerful, and he spoke with confidence as his eyes glistened with a spirit of zeal, conviction and fervor.  With every word he spoke, my heart leapt up in my chest and, to my surprise, tears came to my eyes.  I couldn’t believe the truth of his words – admitting that the existence of good and evil is one thing, but recognizing that we’re currently in the midst of a spiritual battle, subject to the whims of both good and evil, is something that most people stray away from thinking about because it’s too “deep”.  Just because people tend not to think about it doesn’t make it any less true, however; Paul meant what he said when he wrote that there is a “Spirit that is at work in those who are disobedient” (Ephesians 2:2).

The spiritual realm is real, whether we like to think about it or not, and the crazy thing is that each of us has a unique storyline inside of the plot of life.  We are all subject to being captive to both the light and the darkness, sometimes consciously and sometimes not, and this makes for interesting predicaments.  Therefore, in my opinion, the only way to live life, at least in the way that is most worth living, is in complete surrender to God.  Utter dependency on the Holy Spirit to lead us to abundant life is the one and only answer that will keep us from sin and heartbreak, and the good news is, even if we are subject to heartache in our lives, Jesus came to “bind up our broken hearts” (Isaiah 61:1).

LeaderTreks has a pretty amazing “Spiritual Gifts Inventory” test that we took with my off-campus Bible study in Wheaton, Ill. during the fall of my senior year.  It ranks your spiritual “strengths” and “weaknesses”, and if you can get past its similarities to a CosmoGirl personality quiz, has some seriously insightful stuff in there.  Given, you should take each of your answers with a grain of salt and speak with others about the results.  It quickly became a running joke that “discernment” was my weakness – and it was.  The test didn’t lie – I truly do have trouble “discerning” what the right and wrong decisions are in compromising situations.  That weakness has for sure played out in my life, resulting in my ending up at several negative receiving or giving ends of relationships and social situations.

What I used to think was love wasn’t really love, and what I knew was truth I ran away from, toward the variety of loves that were slowly killing me.  This false conception of love and its proceeding sequence of mishaps provided me with numerous stories that have entertained a variety of audiences, but not always for the right reasons. As crazy as it is to admit, the “Spirit that is at work in those who are disobedient” had been at the wheel of my life for quite a while, and it is still, after recognizing that I’m at risk of getting myself in trouble, a daily struggle for me to be obedient to God’s will on a continual basis and trust Him with the crap that’s going on in my life.

Last week, I was driving home from lunch after enjoying a salad with my mom and sister at Old Chicago when I saw a cop car in my rear view mirror, lights flashing and siren on.  I pulled off to the side to let him pass, but unfortunately, he pulled off with me, opened his door, and meandered up to my window.  “Oooh, great,” I thought to myself.  “What does he want? Maybe my license tags are expired…?” But, alas, when he came to the window, he informed me, not so politely, that I had “blown” through the stop sign at the cul-de-sac back about 200 yards.  “Well,” I started to protest, but then thought again.  I suppose I had “blown” through that stop sign…if “blown” can be defined as “rolling” to a stop after the car had passed the solid white line delineating the legal stopping point.  Oops.  No getting out of this one, I thought as I sighed and handed over my license and registration.

When the officer returned to my window and offered me a $130 ticket with the option of going to court to attempt to have it taken off my record, I was furious.  It was just a stupid stop sign in a residential area where, like, three people live, I protested in my mind.  “The neighbors will be thankful that you’re more careful around this area next time,” he said as he smiled and walked away.  SCREW YOU!!!, I screamed out in my mind as I thanked him and told him to have a nice day – I didn’t put anyone’s lives in danger, and I did eventually come to a complete stop!, just not where I was supposed to.

As I drove 5 mph under the limit all the way home, I attempted to see things from his perspective as an officer and I suppose I could see how what I did was wrong.  It was the same as all the other times in my life I had made mistakes – “Oh, just this once…”, or, “If I did this, it wouldn’t be THAT bad…” – and, I did put others, and myself, in danger by acting recklessly.  It didn’t matter if I was operating a ton of machinery or my own body – I was affecting others, and was responsible for my actions.  I can’t do anything and everything I want behind the wheel because that puts other people in danger; no matter how fast I want to get somewhere, I have abide by the law.  In the same way, I shouldn’t do whatever I want to do in the flesh because, while the activities of my heart and mind may not be as life-threatening as those that occur in an automobile, I am still a fallen creation and am weak, having blown through hundreds of stop signs and red flags in my lifetime that have resulted in my negatively affecting my relationships with others.

The song that just came on my iTunes genius playlist fits my entry perfectly tonight.  Mumford & Sons’ “Winter Winds” speaks to me right where I’m at – a place of recognizing that it’s far too easy for us to make the wrong choices simply because they’re easy and familiar.  Unfortunately for us, the Spirit of disobedience isn’t a far and distant existence; rather, it’s a near and close reality that often attacks in places closest to our heart.  Therefore, the disobedience in our lives must be recognized, addressed and resolved in the light and love of Christ in order to prevent us from harming either ourselves or those close to us. When the places of disobedience in our lives are not addressed, we’re as good as “gone”, and “pestilence” will for sure be our fate (as Mumford & Sons describe in the last verse of their song).  Therefore, my hope for myself every day, in every one of my relationships, is that God would be at the center, and that the Spirit would be moving in them.

I ask God for this with confidence because I know my Redeemer lives, and has won – praise the Sheperd!!! Cuz, Lord knows, I couldn’t do this whole life thing on my own.  I would just screw it up…and, actually, I already have – but, by the grace of God, have been redeemed.  As a result, I have no choice but to live my entire life for Him, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“A spiritual kingdom lies all about us, enclosing us, embracing us, altogether in reach of our inner selves, waiting for us to recognize it.  God Himself is here waiting for our response to His presence.  This eternal world will come alive to us the moment we begin to reckon upon its reality…as the Chinese sage Lao-tze has said, ‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with a first step.’”

-A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God – Chapter 4: “Apprehending God”